I can't find my Happy................. :(

Dealing with life in general can suck sometimes.
I can't seem to focus on my diet. I am not happy with myself. I hate the way I look. I feel down quite often these days. Wondering if I made the right choices. Wondering how do I move on. I Can't go back and have do overs. I can only move forward, but how? I have no motivation. I can't see the light at the end of this tunnel I'm in. I am literally on the verge of tears all the time. Just putting on a happy face because nobody can really help me but myself so no point in dragging them into my misery. Can't say squat on facebook cuz if you do your all Drama. Well FUCK! Sometimes i just wanna give up and give in. Can't though so here I am stuck in a pitiful rut with no light at the end of the tunnel yet.

May as well go read and go to sleep......

And the Journey begins AGAIN! Take 3 or is it 4? jeez

Ain't THAT the truth!

So yeah, it's been awhile since I wrote a blog, bothered to care about my health, and/or try to lose weight.  So, here I am, my last weight at the Dr's office was 230. My Fasting blood sugar was 201 and my Hemoglobin A1c was 9.7 YIKES! To top that all off I measured my waist and it is a blazing 49" inches. Total Cholesterol was 218, Triglycerides 276, LDL's 174. REALLY!?! I have no one to blame but myself. Dr. B has added on a new medication to help bring my blood sugars down too.
JUDY, DO YOU HAVE ENOUGH REASONS YET?

I should say so. I got off my ass and went to the gym today. We have a pretty nice one on property and it's free. So no excuses. I am making the commitment to do better starting today.

Goals for this week: 

1. I will workout 30 minutes on the elliptical on sunday, wednesday, and saturday.
2. I will input my food intake into Sparkpeople and try to stay within my alloted Calories everyday.
3. I will take a fasting blood sugar every morning and keep a record of it.
4. I will come back every Sunday from here forward and blog on my progress good or bad. 

Ok there I did it, I made some goals. Attainable ones me thinks. I'll be back in a week and let you all know how it goes!

Cha cha changes!

(Isn't this pic just great maybe doesn't apply to my life totally right now but it did once and I think everyone should know that if you really want to change you should just do it! It's hard sometimes and sometimes it's fun but Change is inevitable and you may as well be the one in control of how it changes)

Life is changing for the better me thinks! 

Over the last 7 weeks I have been focused on being in Love. We have spent every waking minute together that we possibly could and it is Wonderful. Then life happens and you have to get real and make the changes necessary to make a go of the long haul together. That is if that is what you want to do, and for me and Gregg, well we do.  Adjusting our schedules, figuring out likes dislikes and needs, all that, well it's been fun. I have wanted this for a long time. I wanted it to be with someone I really loved and now I really get to do it! I'm so happy. I know mush mush but hey deal with it! Ha ha! I have never truly been in a relationship where two people worked together toward a common goal. I know right? how can that be? I just always fell into being with guys and never truly tried to make it something more. Usually we were both so messed up one way or another we never really cared and were with each other for the mere convenience of it. Sad I know. So slowly but surely we are figuring it out and it's been great. 

Eating out and drinking

has been the norm, and my weigh ins have shown that. I know I could've planned better and drank less but I didn't. so I was in a Rut and had to work out of it. I still haven't gotten back to exercizing, but I did refocus my food tracking, beer drinking and eating right efforts and it payed off. I lost 4.2lbs this week. I earned another 5lbs star from WW. This brings me to a total of -15lbs since I first started. My total could have been so much better but I'm glad to finally be at this point and not back to the bitter beginning. I shared my desires with Gregg and he too would like to see me succeed, if not join me in my efforts. So I have his support and he is trying to encourage me to go hiking with him too. I keep turning down his invitations because of the pain I suffer in my feet when I  hike. So for the immediate future I will try to find other ways to get in some exercize. It's encouraging to me though that I have his support and that of my family and friends. This I knew would be a long hard road for me, but I will make it. One way or another I will make it to my goal.

I forget!

OMG! Really Judy? I have lost, misplaced or forgotten my phone so many times in the last two months it is freakin ridiculous! So much so that my friends on Facebook are still cracking jokes about it. Then yesterday what do i do? I lost the keys to my Gas cap. sheesh! I had to have it broken off and bought a new one just to put gas in my truck for the week. I swear if my head were not attached I'd forget where it was too!

On the bright side

We have managed to work out a budget to save money for both of us. I went through the boxes I have had stored in the Garage for  about 12 years and decided to get rid of most of the books that are there. I did save some of them, but 7 boxes are going to the book exchange and I'm going to get some music or new books, or if the price is right I'll just take the cash. 

I am looking forward to doing some fun things too. I am going tubing down the Salt River this Saturday with friends. Then our SCA camping event Too Darn Hot is happening the following weekend and sometime in there I am going to go see Magic Mike with my BFF and Sister! Woo hoo for Hot Men Stripping! Then at the end of the month of July for Gregg's Birthday we are going to California to see his friend band play, The American Wake. I am really looking forward to this, and my Bff and her husband are joining us! 

I have much to be Greatful for lately and I couldn't be happier. So until next blog.......Muah! 

Don't Be Anastasia!

Dear Judy,

 

There are a few things in WW life that I've come to accept.

The reality is that not everyone is ready. Not everyone is truly committed. For many, while the stated goal is to lose weight, the implied goal is really not to gain weight.

That's how you get the cluster of older ladies in your meeting who've been doing WW since the days of making your own ketchup and never show any meaningful progress.

In their minds, the alternative of gaining weight is enough to put their butts in the seats, but the reward of actually losing weight and being healthier isn't strong enough to incite them to action or to change their habits.

Like Anastasia, they "track" intuitively. They've done the program so long that they just kinda "know" what they're eating. In reality, they don't. And if they're honest with themselves, they probably don't care all that much either.

Working with these folks at the scale is a real challenge. Your first instinct is to try to help. But, they don't really want the help because they don't really want to change. It's remarkably frustrating.

 

They are long on excuses why they can't do this or that because they are busy with bridge club or church or whatever. Those excuses are what they use to justify the lack of progress on their WLJ, when it's really a commitment issue at the heart of it.

Anastasia is one of those ladies. We are her blue-haired friends (in the computer) that she will show the pictures of the grandkids to. We are the ones that go on that weekly 20 minute walk with her while she talks about her nephew's wedding in Peru. Or her 9th cruise to St. Croix. Or how she felt like Shamu on the last cruise and *this* time she's serious about dropping the weight.

And we'll knowingly pat her hand and tell that she can certainly do it. We'll offer to join in that effort and do an extra lap with her that day because that's what good friends do.

We'll commit to an extra walk a week - to Starbucks, of course. Where we get scones because we earned them with our heavy-duty exercise walking to the corner and back.

And then the first rain conflicting with the walk comes and we just decide to drive to Starbucks instead, don't we?

And we go to that meeting every week and nothing changes.

We can only try kicking people in the butt so much, before you come to accept the futility of that effort. They have to want change and act upon that desire.

MANY of us in here aren't there yet. MANY of us are likely destined to drive Buick Regals, 20 miles under the speed limit, in the left lane. Because we're in a hurry to get to our WW meeting...................

 

 

 

 

 

Losing Focus and Finding Love

OOPS!

Oh my gosh, I know, I have been at this for 16 weeks now and very little weight has come off. I even put almost 4 pounds back on over the past two weeks.  Yikes!  I told myself though that this time I was not going to give up no matter how many times I screw up. Lately my focus has been on other things. Planning for Highlands War, Going to War, Making poor choices for food at war, not taking advantage of the opportunity to walk more at war. Yeah and then there is the time spent with my Love. 

Yep! I said it I'm in LOVE!

I have spent almost all of my free time with him too. We have been lazy getting to know each other, hanging out at home drinking beers on the patio, going out to dinner, hanging out with friends, that I slacked off. Yep it's all me. I would love to put the blame on someone else but really it's all on me, I know better. So I had to ask him, Gregg, the man who holds my heart, to help me be more active.  He said that he would also like to get down a few pounds and get in better shape himself. Now we are walking together every evening. Yeah so far it has only been for the past 2 nights, but if it had not been for him encouraging me and making me go I probably would have made excuses not too. "My feet hurt" Is the main one. It is true my feet do hurt but I don't want that to stop me. I want to change that. Just means that I have to take off some of the weight which will help with the pressure, and I have to do stretches to help with the inflamed tendon, the Plantar Fascia, otherwise known at Planter Fasciitis. I also suffer with heel spurs, little pointy growths on the bottom of my heels of calcium that build up on the edge of the heel bone where the PF tendon connects. NOT FUN!  Which is only fixed by going in with a knife and scraping it off. Surgery. Without Insurance that is not going to happen anytime soon. Oh well. 

Being In Love

I have been alone for a very long time. In my opinion 12 years. Yes I tried with a couple of guys but none of them were really in love with me nor I them. Well I will always love one of them, but he will never be the man I fell in love with again. So that was doomed anyway. I have searched and given up hope that I would ever find someone who would like me let alone love me. Man did this one take me by Surprise. I knew him for almost 2 years before we ever connected like this. I didn't want to be his second choice and he was with someone. So I let him be. His situation changed and he came calling on me. He and I laugh, we talk, we hold hands, we kiss (its been a long time since someone liked to kiss me and I'm a good kisser, LOL), we hold hands, I was not expecting to fall for him, but I did. I even resisted for a short while not believing I could love, wondering if I knew what love is. It sort of hit me all at once one night. It surprised me a great deal. I didn't believe other people when the told me that if someone loves you it doesn't matter what you weigh. It doesn't matter what you look like. They will love you for who you are. I wanted to believe that was possible, but I had a great deal of doubt. I had been alone for a very long time.  I truly am surprised by this man. I am still going to lose weight for me because I want my self image to be what I believe it should be for my own personal happiness. I am forever grateful to know his love for me doesn't depend on whether or not I reach my weight loss goals, He fell for me the way I am. What more could I ask for?  I really think were going to be very happy together for a long time. So once again My heart hopes, My mind has faith and now I truly believe I know Love. 

I am a very happy girl. 

<3

1st Corinthians 13 verse 13

(my verse, my device, my truth)

And now these three remain: Faith Hope and Love the greatest of these is Love

Thanks God. 

Ramble on....

Slow and steady wins the race. 

Often we get in a hurry to lose the weight and in that rush disappointment ensues and we just lose focus. I am really trying hard not to lose focus 13 pounds in 13 weeks is a good average. I keep telling myself that. I can be such a player though. I am selfish. I know sacrifice is key and let me tell you I have not given up anything. I still drink alcohol, I still eat pizza, and I still think that if I gave up on these for a while my loss would get better. I could also exercise more too. Here is also where the selfishness comes in, my boyfriend. sigh. I spend an awful lot of time with him and I sacrifice my exercise time to spend with him. I know I know I could ask him to exercise with me and I'm sure we could get creative with it. I also know he is more than willing to engage, I guess what it really boils down to is me. I Just need to Do It!

Like right now I have a brand new bike that is sitting in the back yard that I have ridden less than 5 times since I bought it. I really need to plan this out more. It is only getting hotter out there. I haven't been out for a walk in over 2 weeks now too. On the other hand Highlands War is coming up and I know that will involve lots of walking and hopefully some dancing. I am also sure my diet will be in more control there as well as I will only be eating what I bring. I am usually good about my own food. I only buy stuff that is good for me. Usually it's the people I am surrounded by that introduce the "bad choices" into my day. Such as the "drug rep's" bringing pastries and leaving them on my desk. My roommates bringing Cakes and Cookies and leaving them on the counter. Friends with their come over we are BBQing ribs. I mean I am truly a food lover and who doesn't like BBQ Ribs? There are days that it can be really hard to stick to the plan. Especially in my busy social life. This is the first weekend in over two months that I am actually home being lazy and doing absolutely nothing but indulging in a truly enticing book. Ah it has felt lovely!

Boyfriend

I have not had one of these in quite some time. Yes there have been men in my life coming and going but none that I took seriously. Yup I said it, None that "I" took seriously. 

I am very protective of my heart. One counselor told me one time "You don't build walls, no that would be to boring for you. You sit on a pile of bricks and when someone gets close enough and threatens you, You throw Bricks."

I had to agree. I was violently reactive at that time in my life. I don't believe I throw the bricks any more though I don't believe I have abandoned them entirely either. I think now I just get quiet for awhile and then address the issue when I am ready. Gosh I grew up! Crap when did that happen?!

So having a boyfriend has been quite a learning experience. Though I think this is a good one as we seem to be pretty compatible in lots of ways. He says he likes that there are no guessing games with me, which I like. I like that I can say anything to him. Like "go away" and he does without getting all butt hurt about it.  We tend to spend every free moment with each other and that I know will change as we grow closer. Someone said about us recently that we were in the "honeymoon stage" still, Yeah she's right we are. I like it! 

So I have Rambled on not sure I said anything too awful interesting but it's nice to put down my thoughts sometimes. Thanks for listening......

Lost again!

 2 pounds

That is no small feat my friends. It seemed like I overdid it when I shouldn't have and that I didn't do enough exercise and yet the scale was kind. I am glad because some days you just want to have that certain something and you know you shouldn't, well I gave in a couple of times eating Pan Pizza for one. I have no idea why  I lost weight but I did. 

Is it really that hard to believe?

I definitely have changed my habits and I am certainly mindful of what I am doing even when I make a choice to eat something I probably shouldn't so the long term mindset is kicking in for sure. I also noticed this week that I am able to stop myself from going super overboard and that I am able to keep the portion sizes down and still feel satisfied. So even though It felt like I did bad I guess it truly is setting in to be a habit heading towards a lifestyle.  I went to a couple of parties and on all of the occasions I made sure to bring healthy choices whether it was fruit tray, veggie tray, and lite beers. That way I always had something good to choose from. I also made good choices at the bar, picking Bloody Mary's instead of dark beer or something else high in sugar or calories. I know I must have gotten in some exercise swimming around the pool playing with my friends that I did not account for either.....so I guess all in all I am thinking about things and making better decisions and that It's not impossible to believe I could lose the 2 pounds this week. I do know that it is not going to get any easier though and that I need to keep focused if I am going to reach my goal. The more weight I lose the less food I get to consume in order to lose. That means soon enough the alcohol consumption is going to have to be cut back even more. I'm OK with that. I think! ha ha ha!

Measuring up

So way back when I started this journey before I fell off the proverbial wagon, I took measurements of my arms, thighs, waist, bust and hips. I am undecided whether or not to use those as my starting point now, or just remeasure. I did those measurements when I was at my heaviest and technically that is where this journey started. I just wonder if It would just be wise to start with my measurements from now. hmmm. Any thoughts? Out with the old and in with the new? What say you? Is anybody reading this.....LOL

Until next time...............