Sunday, December 1, 2013

How? Damnit, How?!

Ok so I had a pity party last night. 
What about today?
Deep down I know most of my self-pity is rooted in my weight. How do I go about losing it? I have asked myself that question numerous times. How? Damnit, How?!
So two weeks ago I had that wake up call with my blood work. I started entering my food into Sparkpeople and then Thanksgiving happened and the rush to get there. I laxed on my food intake and my faithfulness in entering the food. Never mind taking my diabetes meds too. Skipped a couple of days there too. Probably shouldn't have skipped on the days I skipped as it was the worst eating/drinking days that I skipped. Mind you I still ate less than in previous years and less drink as well but it still was not good. So I find myself here in the same place I was 2 weeks ago. Fat Unhappy and Miserable to live with. Poor Gregg I  have no Idea how long he can continue to put up with me, I am impossible to live with most of the time.  So here we are..........
Have you heard about LCHF?
I've been considering this type of lifestyle for some time. Years actually. Did Southbeach for a time back in 2004. Did really well on it but I ended up just reverting back to old eating habits shortly thereafter and gained the 40lbs back that I had lost by the end of the same year. Gregg and I have been discussing it for a few months now and we both have decided to make the commitment on January 1st. I am thinking I will start cutting out the sugar and carbs sooner than that. Like today actually. Why wait, right? 
I mean I am miserable now why wait to change and stay miserable another month. It just seems silly to me. Will it be hard? yes. Will I commit? THAT'S  the hard Question.
I am the Queen of Commitment Issues!
I mean seriously look at this blog. I have yet to succeed. Everyone that has ever asked me to marry them I said NO to. Mostly because they were drug addicts and miserable fucks, but still. I think I would have said no to just about anyone. <-----Wow did I really just admit that? I am too afraid of failure. That in itself is the REAL reason I sabotage all my relationships, whether it be with others or myself. I will fail anyway so may as well not do it in the first place. Then lonliness/depression sets in and I try again anyway, deep down I'm a fighter, waaay deep down.  The same is true when it comes to my health/diet. I get so far and I cant seem to accept the happiness that it's only going to last so long and I revert back. I KNOW all this as you can see. I learned it all years ago in Teen Challenge when I quit using drugs. The habits are hard to quit, harder than the drugs. Here I am 13 almost 14 years later struggling with that same bullshit only difference is it's not drugs I'm dealing with. I am a scared little girl that has put on her lion suit and given the world the impression that "I'm tough, I'm strong, I don't need you" attitude that not many see the real me.  Oh there are a few out there who get to see me and God only knows why they continue to love me. I need to learn to love me again. I fight against love, I have no Idea why, I just do. Time to quit. Time to learn to Love Judy again. I can't accept the love of another if I don't Love myself. If I don't think I'm beautiful, all your compliments and kindness will never be believed or accepted. I will view you as a liar because I don't believe that what you see is true. Is that fair to you? Hell NO! Especially not to Gregg. No man has fought against me so hard as Gregg has. He deserves to see Judy as she should be. So do I. 
So Nobody has to like who I am, but Me. 
I am the most Important. For without me liking myself nobody can like me. My attitude is shitty I look at the worst in myself and therefore in others as well. What can I do about it? 

"Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead" P!NK

So here I go off into another week.
Dear God, I Pray I make a commitment to this lifestyle change I've chosen, I Pray I show more kindness to Gregg, I Pray I get off my ass and do some kind of exercise, I pray I show love to myself. Amen. 
Did you notice? I said prayers instead of reciting goals. Less chance of failure and more chance for Hope.  

"And these three remain: Faith Hope and Love, the Greatest of these is Love"

This has been my chosen verse to live by since I left TC. For when I have no faith i see no hope that there ever is any love in this world, in others, or in me. I have faith therefore I hope to succeed and fall in Love with me again. 
Hang in there with me my friends and family I'll get there.......

1 comment:

  1. I will be with you until the end of our time here on this planet babe,then if there is something beyond we will soar there together as WILL succeed, yountalkmto me about your faith, well I have faith in you and your success. Follow my mantra for success..." I am the mountain I climb , I will not crumble and I will not be broken down by any man, I will reach the summit and I will scream with the eagles, I will soar!"......I love you You WILL succeed.